


Real To Me

by anonymouschupacabra (accordingtomyresearch)



Series: Through Thick and Thin [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Parents, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:23:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6628996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accordingtomyresearch/pseuds/anonymouschupacabra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a problem that Bokuto had been dealing with for years and he knew he was probably going to have to deal with for the rest of his life. And sitting in his apartment, hot and tired, he found himself only with one worry on his mind: Kuroo.<br/>__________________________</p>
<p>The BoKuroo background story that no one asked for</p>
            </blockquote>





	Real To Me

**Author's Note:**

> so this had originally been written with the intention of posting it for BoKuroo week but then it got out of hand and it got really long and then here we are weeks later and I have this super long BoKuroo background story.  
> and though it's part of the Through Thick And Thin fic AU, it can be read on it's own with little to no confusion (although i do suggest reading the other fic for a more indepth understanding of a few concepts in the story.)  
> also it's way angstier than i intended but, hey, it's me. what else would you expect?

* * *

_“Things, were….not great at first. I mean, we just weren't really good together. And a lot of it was my fault. When my ex left Shouyou to me I wanted nothing to do with him. I mean, it was obvious he wasn't even mine and now I had to raise some baby on my own. And when Bokuto moved in with me to help, I still wanted no part of fatherhood. But...but Bokuto helped me so much. He changed the way I saw things and thought about myself. But it wasn't right away, you know? I mean we weren't even technically ‘together’ until Shou was like, two. And even then, I was sleeping with him and still holding onto some pathetic grasp of my heterosexuality. I made things difficult for no reason. I kept Bokuto thinking that our relationship could end at any point, something that has lasted until today and I highly regret it. I wasn't completely honest with him and it really hurt our relationship."_

* * *

 

Bokuto watched as Kuroo chugged his whole beer in one go. Feeling a mix of worry and surprise, he just looked on as Kuroo slid his now empty first beer bottle over and grabbed a second one he had waiting for him on the table.

“Why don't he slow your roll there a bit,” Bokuto said putting his hand on Kuroo's arm. “That beer isn't going anywhere, and there's no need to get drunk so soon.”

“I need to be drunk right now,” Kuroo said chugging the rest of his beer. He slid over the now second empty beer bottle over and turned to find the waitress, motioning for her to bring him another.

“Ok, if you're too drunk you can't tell me what you brought me here to tell me,” Bokuto said sipping his first beer.

“I'm not drunk enough to tell you yet,” Kuroo said. The waitress came over with another beer with Kuroo promptly opened and drank a third of.

“Ok have you drunk enough now?” Bokuto joked as Kuroo pressed the cold beer bottle to his forehead.

“Yeah I guess,” Kuroo sighed.

“Alright, what is it?” Bokuto asked.

“She's pregnant. My girlfriend is pregnant,” Kuroo said seriously.

“What?” Bokuto choked. Out of all the things that Kuroo could have told him, that was the last thing he thought he would.

“I know,” Kuroo said chugging half of his beer down. “I can't even believe it myself.”

“But...how? Well I mean, I know _how,_ but like how?” Bokuto asked.

“I have no idea,” Kuroo said in a daze.

“You don't use condoms?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then maybe one broke and you didn't realize,” Bokuto suggested.

“I guess,” Kuroo shook his head. “I don't understand, I was so careful.”

“Accidents happen man,” Bokuto said in what he hoped was an empathetic way.

“But why me?” Kuroo groaned, dropping his head on the table.

“At least you're a good guy, and you'll be a good dad,” Bokuto said.

“Good d— I don't want to be an uncle let alone a dad!” Kuroo cried lifting his head up off the table.

“What?” Bokuto said confused.

“My brother’s girlfriend is pregnant and she's gonna give birth soon, and she was saying all this shit about what a great uncle I'm gonna be and I don't know man, I'm not cut out for that shit.”

“What the fuck, yes you are,” Bokuto disagreed. “You're going to be a great uncle and a dad now and you'll be fine.”

“Fine!?” Kuroo cried out. “How can I be fine? I'm a recent grad with no real job, a degree in business management, I work as a waiter, and I barely have money ever!” Bokuto looked around the bar to see if anyone had heard him shouting and luckily no one was paying them much attention. “How am I supposed to be responsible for another person?”

“Look you just graduated, of course you don't have a high paying job yet, but you will,” Bokuto reasoned. “And you're incredibly responsible, and you went to school on full scholarship, so you can't tell me you have a ton of loans to pay back.”

“Still, kids are expensive,” Kuroo frowned. “And I just…”

“You just what?” Bokuto asked softly.

“I just...don't think I can be a good parent,” Kuroo said vulnerably.

“What? That's crazy talk,” Bokuto dismissed. “You're gonna be the most awesome, dopest, chill as fuck parent ever man.”

“I'm glad someone thinks so,” Kuroo said quietly.

“Dude, I'll help you ok?” Bokuto added. “I'm gonna be your kid's awesome Uncle Kotaro and it'll be great.”

* * *

Bokuto sat in his apartment staring at the ceiling. He had his feet up on the coffee table, his head thrown back as he reclined, and the AC pumped up as high as he could get it. But he still couldn't get comfortable. Because he knew that it was the day Kuroo's baby was due and he hadn't heard a word from him.

The one downside of having Kuroo as his best friend was mostly probably also being in love with him. That has been his major problem since they'd met freshman year of college.

They'd been at a mutual friend's house party, they met and became friends instantly. It was almost like they'd been friends forever the way they acted. Becoming best friends wasn't too hard for them either. Despite Kuroo going to business school and Bokuto being in culinary school, they never found it hard to quickly become best friends. They lived near enough to each other that they could hang out all the time, and they found out they had a bunch of mutual friends so big groups were never a problem. No, the problem for Bokuto came when he realized he was developing more than bro-like feelings for his new friend.

He would find himself staring at Kuroo's profile as he spoke to others for way longer than platonically appropriate. Bokuto would often find excuses to be near Kuroo just because he found he liked being near him. And it wasn't until they were hanging out just the two of them, and Kuroo laughed at something Bokuto said, and Bokuto had the thought “he's so pretty, I wanna kiss him.” Then he realized he may have a problem.

But it was a problem that he had been dealing with for years and he knew he was probably going to have to deal with for the rest of his life. And sitting in his apartment, hot and tired, he found himself only with one worry on his mind: Kuroo.

He glanced at his phone and saw that it was getting late and he was going to have to go into work regardless of if he wanted to our not. With a sigh, he got up from the couch, got himself into the shower and got dressed for another shift at the restaurant. Just as he pulled on his shoes he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Rushing to pull it out, he knew it was Kuroo before he even looked at his phone.

“Hey man! Tell me the good news!” Bokuto answered the phone excitedly.

“It's a boy,” Kuroo said on the other end sounding excruciatingly tired. “He's 18inches, 7.1ozs.”

“Oh my god dude that's amazing I'm so happy for you,” Bokuto said feeling genuinely happy.

“I...thank you,” Kuroo exhaled.

“Can I come see him?” Bokuto asked picking up his keys. “If that's ok?”

“Yeah sure if you want to,” Kuroo sighed. “To be honest I can't even be sure that I'm going to be awake. I'm so fucking exhausted. I've been up for like 36 hours and I wasn't even the one in labor.”

“But you must be so happy right now,” Bokuto grinned into the phone. “You're a dad, Tetsuro. That's amazing.”

“I know,” Kuroo said sounding like he was smiling softly. There was a pause. “You should come. I mean I know you have work—”

“No, dude. I'm coming, no worries,” Bokuto said already drafting the email he was going to send to his boss in his head. “I'll see you in a bit ok? And dude?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm proud of you man,” Bokuto said earnestly.

“Thanks,” Kuroo said softly.

Bokuto wasted no time getting to the hospital. He emailed his boss on the bus there. There was a combination of excited and anxiety in his gut as he walked from the bus stop to the hospital. But he couldn't ignore the slight feeling that he'd lost; like Kuroo was forever out of his reach and something felt final about it.

But he shook that feeling away as he made his way up to the maternity ward. He briefly wondered where Kuroo was before he saw him. Looking as tired as he sounded on the phone, Kuroo stood in front of the glass window into the nursery with his hands stuffed deep into his pant pockets.

“Hey,” Bokuto said quietly walking over to Kuroo who was staring into the window. “How are you?” Kuroo said nothing only stared into the nursery. “Where is he?” Bokuto asked scanning the bassinets for a dark haired little boy. Kuroo motioned to the bed right in the middle of the second row of sleeping newborns. Inside was a tiny sleeping boy with a bright tuft of orange hair.

“He's not mine,” Kuroo said softly. Bokuto lifted his eyes up to his friends face. He looked so tired, and he had the expression of someone who had just been told that a relative had died.

“You don't know that,” Bokuto said thickly.

“She told me,” Kuroo said, his eyes never leaving the newborn. “After I signed the birth certificate of course.”

“That's….” Bokuto said, his head swimming.

“She said she wasn't sure,” Kuroo sniffed. Bokuto hadn't realized he had begun crying. “That when she saw the red hair she knew. But she hadn't been sure.”

“Wow I…” Bokuto began.

“Apparently she cheated on me, well obviously,” Kuroo laughed humorlessly. “But she was too scared to do a DNA test. She told me she hoped I was the dad.”

“But you are the dad,” Bokuto said. “Dude, I've gone with you to every baby store, I've been there with you at every event, I've seen you build and rebuild cribs and baby furniture and I've helped you pick out all the baby shit for _your kid_ . That little boy might not have the same DNA as you, but I've been with you the whole time while _you_ planned. You. That's your son.” There was a long pause as Bokuto caught his breath.

“You have been there huh?” Kuroo said turning and looking at Bokuto with a look in his eye that he couldn't quite place.

“Ye-yeah of course,” Bokuto stuttered.

“You're a good friend,” Kuroo said turning back to the window. “I'm not sure how I can repay you.”

_There's nothing that I need from you. I love you._

“You don't need to repay me,” Bokuto said shaking his head. “I'm you're best friend. What are friends for?”

* * *

 

Blindingly feeling around for his phone, Bokuto finally found it hidden in the covers of his bed. The screen was too bright to look at for so late at night, and he just swiped to answer and brought the phone to his ear hoping it was something that actually needed his attention so early in the morning.

“Hello?” Bokuto mumbled sleepily.

“Dude! She left a note— I have to go into to work. But she's just gone! She's fucking gone! And she left him here— and I can't miss anymore work. What the fuck am I going to do!?”

“Wha— Kuroo?” Bokuto said rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah,” Kuroo sobbed, sounding like he had been crying.

“What's...what's wrong, start from the beginning,” Bokuto said sitting up in bed.

“She just left man,” Kuroo exhaled pathetically. “She left me a note, _a note._ She said that she never wanted a child and it was all too hard for her— like I'm the one who got her pregnant. All her stuffs gone, all her clothes and shoes and books and shit. Gone. What am I supposed to do now!?”

“Wait, just left? Just like that?” Bokuto asked.

“We got into a huge fight last night, like for hours” Kuroo sighed. “There's was a lot of screaming and telling each other “I hate you” and all that. So I left, just to walk around for a couple hours, and when I came back and she was gone.”

“Wait she left while you weren't even there?” Bokuto said horrified. “What the fuck!?”

“I know that's what pisses me off the most,” Kuroo said angrily. “He's not even mine and I take better care of him than she does. And now she just leaves? And I'm supposed to what? Take care of this kid that's not even mine!?”

“Look, we'll figure something out ok?” Bokuto said. “Maybe she'll come back.”

“I don't think I want her to. But I can't raise Shouyou on my own, man. I just can't,” Kuroo whispered desperately. “And now he's here and she's gone and I have no one to watch him and I can't miss anymore work and— oh god, he's crying.”

“Ok look, calm him down, pack up a bag for him and bring him here,” Bokuto instructed. “I have a late shift and you'll be done before I have to go to work. I'll watch Shou, ok?”

“Would you really?” Kuroo said sounding beyond grateful. “Oh god thank you so much, I owe you. You have no idea what this means to me.”

“Yeah I know, I'm amazing,” Bokuto grinned. “I'll see you soon ok?”

“Ok yeah, bye,” Kuroo said hanging up.

Bokuto put the phone down in his lap. He winced slightly at the sudden brightness of the lamp on the other side of the bed turning on.

“So he's coming here?” Bokuto turned next to him, where he boyfriend Akaashi was laying next to him.

“Yeah,” Bokuto nodded. “It looks like Kuroo is going to be a single dad.” Akaashi blinked up at him, his face expressionless.

“I'll go make some tea,” Akaashi said getting out of bed.

“Good idea,” Bokuto sighed, watching Akaashi pull on a shirt off the dresser. “Hey, Akaash?”

“Yeah?” Akaashi said turning to look at him.

“I love you,” Bokuto said hoping to sound sincere.

“I know you do,” Akaashi said quietly. “I love you too.”

Bokuto watched him walk out of his bedroom with an odd tightness in his chest. He knew that Akaashi knew about his feelings for Kuroo, but he wasn't sure if Akaashi was aware that he knew that he knew. Never did he let a moment pass without reminding Akaashi that he was with him and he had feelings for him. Even if Bokuto knew deep down that he was never going to fall out of love with Kuroo.

* * *

 

“Thanks for watching him again guys, I can't thank you enough,” Kuroo said walking into Bokuto's apartment.

“It's no problem,” Akaashi said feeding year old Shouyou in his high chair. “He's a good kid.”

“And we like taking care of him, right Akaash?” Bokuto said wiping the baby food off Shouyou's chubby cheeks. “Everyday is a new adventure, isn’t that right Shou?” Bokuto cooed at Shouyou who gurgled happily at him in response.

“Yeah,” Kuroo sighed. “Well I guess I should take him home now, for as long as it is ours anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Akaashi asked.

“I don't think I can afford to live in my apartment for much longer,” Kuroo sighed watching as Bokuto cleaned Shouyou's face. “The rent has just eaten away at all my savings that was already depleted from baby shit. I just…” He sighed deeply. “This is really hard.”

“Kuroo don't cry,” Bokuto said picking Shouyou up out of his high chair and carrying him over to Kuroo who had his head hung low. “You're doing an amazing job you're—”

“But that's just it, I'm not!” Kuroo cried. “I hate this. I'm miserable all the time, I don't know how to be a good dad and honestly I don't even like it! I'm stressed 24/7 and honestly I'm so over tired and and overwhelmed that sometimes I wish I could just leave a note and leave in the middle of the night too!”

Shouyou began crying due to Kuroo's outburst and he buried his face in Bokuto's neck. Bokuto held him tightly and cooed at him to stop crying, glancing at Kuroo who looked both guilty and on the verge of crying too.

“Here let me take him,” Akaashi said picking Shouyou up and resting him against his shoulder. “I'm gonna burp him and bathe him before you go ok?”

“Thanks,” Kuroo said weakly. Bokuto waited until Akaashi was out of earshot before he spoke.

“Dude, if you were having such a tough time why didn't you tell me?” Bokuto asked feeling a bit hurt.

“I don't know, I mean I kind of have been telling you, but I didn't tell you the extent of it,” Kuroo said guiltily. “The truth is I'm losing my mind Bokuto. I'm not cut out for this shit. I just...I can't do it.”

“That's not true and you know it,” Bokuto said earnestly. “You just need a bit of help.”

“But you and Akaashi have been helping me so much over the past months and even with this better job and more money I'm still barely making ends meat and I'm really freaking out.”

“Akaashi and I don't mind helping you,” Bokuto said. “Seriously.”

“Thanks, but I can't rely on you guys forever,” Kuroo said quietly.

“You can always rely on me,” Bokuto said softly. Kuroo looked up at him and for a moment Bokuto swore that Kuroo saw how in love with him he was. He knew that he couldn't have hid it from his face in time and Kuroo must have seen it.

“I know,” Kuroo whispered.

* * *

 

Bokuto carried in the last box from the Akaashi's car up the stairs and into his new apartment— or more accurately, Kuroo and his new apartment. Together they found a two bedroom one bath that was close enough to the restaurant Bokuto worked at and near the office Kuroo's was managing. It seemed the only logical solution to Kuroo's delima. Them moving into together would offset the costs for Kuroo and provide him with a live in babysitter. However for Bokutoo, the benefits of moving in with the man you're in love with to help him raise his child are heavily outweighed by the costs. Which in Bokuto's case was mainly that he was moving in with the man he was in love with to help raise his child, and not with his current boyfriend of over a year.

“Where should I put this? I think it's Shou’s clothes,” Bokuto asked, standing in the doorway of the bedroom Kuroo was going to share with his 15 month old son.

“Um just put it there for now,” Kuroo said gesturing toward the stack of boxes in the corner from his place on the floor. “God how did I set this shit up the first time? I swear you need a PH.D. to figure this shit out,” Kuroo grunted annoyed, as he struggled to put together Shouyou's crib.

“Here I'll help,” Bokuto laughed, setting the box down.

“Thanks,” Kuroo said leaning back on his hands on the floor. “I've been at it for like an hour.”

“Well I can probably sort this out real quick,” Bokuto said taking a look at all the pieces of the crib.

“Oh yeah, I'm sure you can,” Kuroo laughed. They were quiet for awhile as Bokuto did manage to get most of the crib together, the only talking between them was the sounds of them asking for things to be passed back and forth.

“I think that's about it right?” Bokuto said looking at the crib that looked almost entirely pieced together.

“Yeah, looks about right,” Kuroo said standing up to look at it better. “Hey where's Shouyou and Akaashi anyway?”

“Akaash took him to the park while we moved the stuff in,” Bokuto said standing up.

“Do you know when they're coming back?” Kuroo asked.

“Um, I'm not sure. Maybe in an hour or so?”

“Do you think that's enough time to set up the Xbox?” Kuroo grinned.

“Fuck yeah it is,” Bokuto said excitedly. They rushed into the living room, which was covered in boxes and went straight for the TV that they had already set up.

“I never get to play video games anymore,” Kuroo said as he unloaded the Xbox and all its wires from the box it was packed in. “Downside of taking care of a small child.”

“Upside is that you get to move in with your best friend,” Bokuto grinned as he starting connecting the wires. “We're like our own version of Full House, but with much less kids and the same amount of gay.”

“How? Unless I missed the episode where Joey and Uncle Jesse fucked,” Kuroo laughed.

“Really? That was the whole subplot to the 5th season,” Bokuto joked.

“Damn,” Kuroo grinned.

Bokuto couldn't help but feel the giddy warmth in his chest from seeing Kuroo smiling again. For so long Kuroo had been so stressed and overwhelmed, and Bokuto was worried he'd never see his best friend smile again. But during the whole move in process, Kuroo had actually relaxed and started joking around. Now as they played video games on the floor of their new apartment, Bokuto could almost forget their circumstances for just a little bit.

“Hey we're back and—” Akaashi cut himself off when he saw Bokuto and Kuroo on the floor, laughing and playing video games.

“Oh, hey babe,” Bokuto said pausing the game and getting up from the floor. He walked over to Akaashi and kissed his cheek as he pulled the stroller into the cluttered apartment. Akaashi only gave him a fleeting smile before undoing Shouyou's buckles in the stroller.

“Hey Shou,” Bokuto said picking Shouyou up from his stroller. “How was your walk with Uncle Keijii?”

“No!” Shouyou babled swinging his arms happily.

“No?” Bokuto asked tickling Shouyou's stomach.

“No,” Shouyou giggled.

“That's his new word,” Kuroo sighed getting up. “Everything now is no. I read about it, apparently most babies go through the ‘no’ stage. Shouyou is going through it a bit early, but what else is new.”

“No!” Shouyou smiled reaching towards Kuroo. Reluctantly, he took Shouyou in his arms and held him by one arm curled around him. Shouyou rested his tiny orange head on Kuroo's shoulder, wrapping his tiny arms around Kuroo's neck as best he could.

“I'm gonna put him down for a nap, I'll be back later,” Kuroo said walking towards his new bedroom. Akaashi waited until Kuroo closed the door behind him before speaking.

“You guys were supposed to be unpacking,” Akaashi scolded disapprovingly.

“We did, we were,” Bokuto said defensively. Akaashi gave him a disappointed look. “Ok, we stopped for a bit, but come on, Kuroo needs to have some fun once in awhile. He's so stressed out.”

“I know, that's why I took Shouyou on a walk so he would have a stress free environment to unpack,” Akaashi said.

“You're right, as usual,” Bokuto sighed, placing his hand on the small of Akaashi's back.

“You indulge him too much,” Akaashi said warily. “One day he's going to ask for too much and you're going to give it to him because that's the way you are.”

“Akaash, what are you saying?” Bokuto asked feeling his gut twist uncomfortably.

“Nothing Bokuto,” he sighed. he walked towards the kitchen and began unpacking.

* * *

 

Kissing up Akaashi's neck, Bokuto slipped his hands under his shirt and started moving his fingertips up Akaashi's torso. Earning a small moan, Bokuto continued sucking a bruise on Akaashi's neck as Akaashi rolled his hips from where he had him pinned underneath him.

“Ko-Kotaro,” Akaashi moaned, writhing under Bokuto.

“Yeah baby,” Bokuto hummed, dragging his lips up to Akaashi's mouth.

“I need—”

“Kou! Kou!”

Bokuto stopped and lifted his head from where it was on Akaashi's body. He could feel Akaashi deflate underneath him and look away with annoyance.

“Kou! Kooou!” They heard Shouyou call again from his crib.

“I have to go check on him,” Bokuto whispered against Akaashi's skin underneath his his jaw.

“Of course,” Akaashi sighed.

“It'll only take a minute I'll be right back,” Bokuto said getting from his bed. He walked into Kuroo's bedroom where Shouyou's crib was all set up on the other side of the room, making the space a bit compact. In the crib was a very jumpy and excited 15 month old Shouyou who started giggling and jumping when he saw Bokuto walk in. “Hi Shouyou,” Bokuto cooed as he walked over to the crib.

“Kou,” Shouyou giggled, his tiny fists wrapped around the bars of the grate on the crib holding him up as he stood.

“Yes, it's Uncle Kotaro,” Bokuto smiled lifting Shouyou out of the crib.

He talked with him and smiled and laughed with him until he began to look sleepy again as fell asleep in his arms. Carefully lowering the grate on the crib, Bokuto gently laid Shouyou back in the crib. He gently brushed aside one of his orange locks and thought about how much he loved this tiny little boy.

As he walked back towards his room he was surprised to find Akaashi fully dressed and sitting up right on the edge of his bed.

“Babe? What's wrong?” Bokuto asked carefully as he walked over to him.

“Look we…We need to talk,” Akaashi said looking up at Bokuto as he sat down on the bed next to him.

“That sounds so serious,” Bokuto joked, feeling uneasy.

“It is serious,” Akaashi said quietly.

“Oh ok,” Bokuto nodded. “What's wrong? Is it because Shouyou interrupted us again?”

“No, I mean yes. But not entirely,” Akaashi sighed.

“Then… Then what is it?” Bokuto asked warily.

“I think...I think this is the end. Of us.”

“What?” Bokuto asked thickly.

“We're… We’re not in love Bokuto,” Akaashi began, and Bokuto felt his heart drop into his stomach. “I mean, we love each other very much, and we always will— I always will. But we're not the in love couple we pretend to be.”

“What are you saying?” Bokuto asked, heartbroken. “I love you.”

“You love me, but you're _in love_ with Kuroo,” Akaashi said softly.

“Wha-what?” Bokuto stammered, his heart going a mile a minute. “I don't— I'm not— we're just—”

“It's fine Bokuto, I knew that going into our relationship,” Akaashi said placing his hand on Bokuto's cheek. “And it's ok really, I love you, I do.”

“But…?” Bokuto pressed, feeling like he was about to cry.

“I could never be in love with you,” Akaashi said as gently as possible. Bokuto felt as if his whole world was crashing down around him. “I can't be in love with someone who is in love with someone else.”

“Of course,” Bokuto said thickly. “I'm so sorry Keiji. I do love you.”

“It's ok,” Akaashi smiled softly. “I love you too.”

“Are we…are we still gonna be friends, Akaash?” Bokuto croaked, feeling his eyes start to fill up with tears.

“Yes of course,” Akaashi nodded. “I'm never going to stop being your friend. Just… Just give me some time.”

“How ever much you need,” Bokuto agreed. “Please, I don't want to lose you completely. I...I can't.”

“You won't,” Akaashi whispered. He leaned forward and placed a small kiss on Bokuto's lips. “Goodbye Kotaro.”

“Keiji,” Bokuto sobbed, running his fingers through Akaashi’s hair one last time. “Goodbye.”

* * *

 

“I'm sorry man,” Kuroo said sympathetically, as he fed Shouyou in his high chair. “I thought you guys were so good together.”

“Yeah,” Bokuto said thickly, as he continued cooking dinner.

“Are you alright?” Kuroo asked. Bokuto couldn't bring himself to stop what he was doing or even glance behind him for a moment.

“I'm fine,” Bokuto lied.

“Do you want me to get a sitter? We could go out, drink your sorrows away like back in college?” Kuroo offered lightly.

“Thanks but, no thanks,” Bokuto said quietly. “I don't feel much like going out. Sorry.”

“You don't need to apologize to me,” Kuroo reassured quickly. “I just want you to feel better. You know, be happy.”

“Yeah…” Bokuto swallowed thickly. “I know you do.”

Bokuto couldn't shake the feeling like he was lying to Kuroo. He wanted to scream at him that he loves him. He wanted to run away. He wanted to pretend nothing was happening and nothing has changed between them. But he knew that it wasn't true; things would be different.

* * *

When he was still dating Akaashi, living with Kuroo felt like a manageable torture because he could just call up his boyfriend when he was feeling particularly restless. But after two months of becoming more than acquainted with his hand than he ever was in highschool, Bokuto was losing his mind.

It hasn't helped that now without the buffer of Akaashi, Bokuto felt as if he was seeing way more of Kuroo than ever before. He felt it every time Kuroo got out of the shower in nothing but a towel. Each time Kuroo would fall asleep on the couch with Shouyou on his chest. And almost every day when Kuroo would sit on the couch and watch tv with him after he's put Shouyou to bed.

“Watching anything interesting?” Kuroo asked as he sat down next Bokuto on their couch, throwing his arm behind his shoulder.

“Um not really,” Bokuto shrugged as he went through his Netflix queue.

“Hey, Shou's asleep and it's fairly early, why don't we watch a movie? Something violent and filled with nudity,” Kuroo suggested with a grin.

“Uh yeah sure,” Bokuto agreed searching through Netflix.

“Good,” Kuroo said settling in comfortably next to Bokuto, who couldn't help but feel like he was sitting extra close.

They found a movie to watch and Bokuto quickly got into it. It had been awhile since they'd watched something that didn't involve anthropomorphized animals or a musical, and it was nice to enjoy something made for adults and not toddlers. He loved spending time with his sort of nephew/kind of son, but sometimes it was nice to spend time with his best friend without having to remember there was a toddler in the room.

However, as they watched their super violent-action-packed-nudity-filled film for adults, Bokuto couldn't help but notice how close Kuroo was sitting. To be honest, it wasn't strange for them to sit closely on the couch. They were the kind of friends that would throw their arms around each other without a second thought. Cuddling on the couch wasn't something odd in their apartment, and they had fallen asleep next to each other on multiple occasions.

But somehow, the way that Kuroo had his arm around Bokuto's shoulders, the way he had his leg completely pressed up against Bokuto's thigh, how his head was resting just slightly on top of Bokuto's head, was all too much for Bokuto, and he began losing focus on the movie. Every shift of Kuroo against him, each soft sigh, all his gentle breaths against his head made Bokuto's chest start to constrict. And as Kuroo's arm around him began to move from his shoulder to his chest, and as he pressed his nose into Bokuto's temple grazing his teeth along his ear, Bokuto felt like he was going to explode. He waited until he felt the first soft kiss just below his ear before he said anything.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said low and thick. He continued kissing along his jaw, leaving a burning trail of skin in his wake. “Kuroo, I don't think this is a good idea.”

“Why not?” Kuroo whispered hotly against his skin as he continued to kiss beneath his jaw.

“Be-because,” Bokuto stuttered. “We live together, isn't this like dipping your pen in company ink?” He felt Kuroo grin against his skin as he kissed down his neck. “An-and we're friends.”

“What's kisses between friends?” Kuroo shrugged as he pressed open mouthed kisses on his neck.

“But—”

“It's just a stress reliever,” Kuroo whispered. “I'm stressed and I know you're stressed. This is the best way.” He tilted Bokuto's head towards him and barely hesitated a moment before pressing their lips together.

Instantly Bokuto melted into the kiss. Everything he had ever imagined it would be like was suddenly thrown by the wayside. It was more than any fantasy had ever conjured. Kuroo's lips were soft and he kissed tenderly, and his hands weren't rough but strong as he held Bokuto's face close to his. Even as they moved and Kuroo pressed his body against Bokuto's down onto the couch, Bokuto couldn't help but think _finally._

* * *

Bokuto wasn't sure what he was expecting for what they'd be like afterward, but somehow he never thought they'd be the same. Like nothing happened. Because that's how Kuroo treated it. Like nothing had ever happened.  

Kuroo got up and fed Shouyou and bathed him and got him dressed and brought him to the sitter and went to work and picked Shouyou up and brought him home and ate dinner and fed Shouyou and put him to bed and then watched tv with Bokuto until he went to bed. Everything was exactly the same.

Except it wasn't. Nothing was the same. Bokuto had a taste of what he'd wanted for so long and now that he knew what he had been missing, he felt every day that passed he was growing closer and closer to his breaking point.

“Hey I'm gonna go to bed,” Kuroo yawned getting up from the couch. Bokuto watched him stretch, eyeing the small patch of skin above his jeans that showed as he lifted his arms above his head.

“Ok, good night,” Bokuto said turning off the TV.

“Yeah, ‘night,” Kuroo said giving him a small wave as he walked towards his room.

With a sigh, Bokuto got up from the couch and shuffled into his bedroom. Trying to push away the memories of when him and Kuroo— no he didn't want to think about it. As he got into bed and force thoughts of Kuroo out of his mind, and he tried to think about something, anything else to get him to fall asleep.

The sound of his door creaking open is what woke him up. Bokuto blinked his eyes open seeing only the dark of the room around him. But after a second he heard the sound of footsteps approaching his bed.

“Kuroo?” Bokuto asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“Yeah,” Kuroo whispered. The bed dipped next to Bokuto and he twisted around to see Kuroo crawling up next to him. “Sorry I didn't mean to wake up you.”

“It's…it's fine,” Bokuto mumbled confused. “But why are you here?”

“Because I just need…” Kuroo trailed off, tucking himself under the covers and scooting close to Bokuto.

“You need what?” Bokuto asked softly, still thrown by Kuroo's behavior.

“I just need you right now,” Kuroo whispered. He wrapped his arm around Bokuto's middle and threw one leg over him. As a reflex, Bokuto wrapped his arm around Kuroo tucking him into his side without even knowing why any of that was even happening.

“Ok,” Bokuto said quietly. “I'm...I'm here.”

* * *

 

Kuroo's nightly trips to Bokuto's bedroom became a sort of strange habit for them. One they never acknowledged during the day.

They would go through their day as if nothing was different, talking and going about their life as normal. And each night, Kuroo would make a show of going to bed in his own room. And each night Bokuto wondered who he was doing it for as Kuroo would crawl into his bed an hour or so later.

Bokuto would wrap his arms around him, and fall soundly asleep listening to the steady beat of Kuroo's heart against his ear. Kuroo would sleep there every night, but in the morning he would always leave before Bokuto woke up, leaving him to wonder if he was dreaming the whole thing.

And their little habit remained steady, until one day it changed.

Already used to the sound of his door opening, Bokuto shuffled to the side on his bed making room for Kuroo before he even got to the bed. The bed dipped next to him as usual and Bokuto sleepily opened his arms for Kuroo to settle against him.

He was just falling back to sleep, warm and comfortable with Kuroo in his arms when he felt the soft, delicate kisses on his neck. He never felt more awake.

“Kuroo?” Bokuto swallowed.

“Mmm,” Kuroo hummed. He moved his hand to work its way under Bokuto's shirt, his fingertips tracing small shapes on his skin.

“Wha-what are you doing?” Bokuto whispered.

“I'm kissing you,” Kuroo mumbled against his skin.

“Yeah, I um… I meant like what are you doing here?” Bokuto said, feeling his body growing hot. “Why have you been sleeping in my room for the past few weeks?”

“Because I told you,” Kuroo said softly, curling his leg tighter around Bokuto's, and moving his hand higher up his chest. “I need you.”

“Yeah,” Bokuto let out a small laugh. “I know, you said that,” Bokuto said thickly. “But now you're here again and you're kissing me and I'm really confused.”

“You didn't have a problem with it last time” Kuroo said. Bokuto didn’t answer and he could feel him tighten and recoil in his arms. “Wait did you?” he asked looking completely horrified at the thought that Bokuto was actually uncomfortable.

“Well, no. Not exactly,” Bokuto said, not ready to tell Kuroo everything just yet. “I just don't understand why you're doing this all of a sudden?”

“Do we have to talk about this?” Kuroo asked. Bokuto could see the pain in Kuroo's face and he couldn't fight the impulse the make him happy.

“No,” Bokuto breathed.

“Thank you,” Kuroo whispered. They looked at each other for a moment before Kuroo leaned up and pressed his lips against Bokuto's mouth. It was much more tentative than the other kisses they shared that day. Kuroo slowly applied more pressure, almost as if he was shy of being too forward. Bokuto's eyes slid closed as he started losing himself in the kiss.

With a soft moan, Kuroo moved to hover over Bokuto, never disconnecting their lips. Fitting his knee in between Bokuto's legs, he carefully rubbed himself against Bokuto as they continued to kiss. Kuroo bent his head, moving his mouth down Bokuto's neck.

“Kuroo—” Bokuto gasped, his head swimming. He could barely form a thought as Kuroo's hands went lower and lower on his body.

“Can I?” Kuroo whispered, his fingers just lifting up the hem of Bokuto's Tshirt.

“Yes,” Bokuto breathed. Carefully, Kuroo pulled off Bokuto's shirt, tossing it on the floor next to them. Before going back to what he was doing, Kuroo moved to straddle Bokuto's hips and he pulled off his own Tshirt in one motion. Bokuto felt like his heart was in his throat.

Gently, Bokuto brought his hands up to Kuroo's chest, running his fingers along his skin. Sighing contentedly, Kuroo bent over and pressed his lips just under Bokuto's jaw. Grinding their hips together, Bokuto let out a small gasp as Kuroo sucked a bruise on his neck. Bokuto slowly worked his hands down into Kuroo's boxers, grabbing a hold of him and pressing himself against him.

“Can— can I fuck you?” Kuroo breathed in Bokuto's ear. Unable to speak, Bokuto just nodded his head. Pressing a biting kiss to his lips, Kuroo leaned up and reached over towards Bokuto's night table. “Do you have condoms?”

“Um,” Bokuto croaked, surprised he was able to produce sound. “Yeah, here. And lube.” He handed Kuroo a condom and a small full bottle of lube.

“Thanks,” Kuroo said. He moved back so he was no longer on top of Bokuto, but sitting back on his heels on the bed with Bokuto's legs spread out in front of him.

“Do you…do you know what you're doing?” Bokuto asked concerned that Kuroo was an amateur and was going to be poking around at his insides.

“Yes,” Kuroo smiled softly.

“You've done this before?” Bokuto asked dubiously.

“Well,” Kuroo looked sheepish. “Not with a guy.”

“Ok,” Bokuto said, feeling a bit better.

He was surprised to find out that Kuroo was indeed not an amateur. He was able to carefully and completely open Bokuto up, and he even managed to find his prostate in the process. Bokuto was a writhing mess by the time Kuroo decided he was ready.

“I'm going to go in now ok?” Kuroo whispered as he slipped the condom on.

“Ok,” Bokuto breathed hoarsely.

Kuroo lined himself up, and after a liberal lube application, he pressed in slowly. Bokuto bit his lower lip, letting the first waves of pain pass. Kuroo took about a minute to bottom out, letting out a deep groan when he did. Breathing through the initial discomfort, Bokuto started to relax as Kuroo kissed his chest. With a wiggle of his hips, Bokuto told Kuroo to start moving.

Many times Bokuto had imagined exactly this; him writhing underneath Kuroo while he fucked into him so painfully amazingly that he could do nothing to hold in his moans. He felt as if one of his clandestine fantasies was playing itself out in front of him as Kuroo held up his legs and plunged himself in and out, his fingers biting into his skin.

Bokuto was amazing he lasted as long as he did when he came with Kuroo's name on his lips, though he tried to stop it from coming out. Kuroo came with a low moan a few moments after him, milking himself for all he could before eventually pulling out. Bokuto could only all but lay there on his bed as he recovered, barely aware of Kuroo cleaning him down. He almost didn't even register Kuroo curling up next to him, sweaty, hot and naked.

They didn't speak as they curled against each other. Bokuto hoped that this moment was the change he'd been hoping for. But somehow, deep in his subconscious, he knew Kuroo wasn't going to be there when he awoke.

* * *

 

Bokuto wasn't sure what he was expecting for what they'd be like afterward, but somehow he never thought they'd be the same. Like nothing happened. Because that's how Kuroo treated it. Like nothing had ever happened.  

But this time, it really got to Bokuto. He felt used and awful and like he was never going to get out of the limbo they were in. Yet the one thing that made it different this time: Kuroo gave him a hickey.

Bokuto had stood the morning after, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, his eyes glued on the purpling bruise on his neck. He couldn't believe it. Part of him still believed that it was some weird recurring dream he'd been having. But as he touched his fingertips to his neck and felt the tinge of pain that came with a bruise, he felt like crying.

But he felt like crying most days. Each day got more painful with each incredible night. Bokuto would spend the day thinking how could he tell Kuroo how he really felt without jeopardising the delicate balance they'd created.

Yet he felt like he couldn't continue for much longer. He couldn't go on pretending they were nothing during the day when each night Kuroo would come into his bed. Sex with Kuroo wasn't worth how horrible he felt the next day, even though he never thought he'd think that.

At least Bokuto took solace in that it couldn't get worse. They were in some sort of quasi relationship, and if he had to he could live with that. But then it got worse.

“So I met a girl.”

It was possibly the sentence Bokuto had hoped he'd never hear again coming from Kuroo. But there he was, a giggly Shouyou on his lap as he ate dinner, looking at Bokuto like he expected him to be happy for him. Bokuto didn't know what to feel.

“Really?” Bokuto asked, trying for an unaffected manner. He looked down at his plate. He had felt good this afternoon and decided to make something rich and delicious. Now he couldn't even recall what having an appetite was like.

“Yeah, she's nice,” Kuroo said feeding Shouyou a small vegetable off his plate.

_Nice,_ like that was the highest compliment someone could receive. Like that made her worthy. Being _nice_.

“That's nice,” Bokuto said thickly.

“Yeah,” Kuroo nodded. “I met her at the supermarket if you can believe that. She's a paralegal.”

“Oh?” Bokuto said pretending to be interested.

“We've gone out for coffee a couple times actually,” Kuroo said like he was admitting something amazing.

Bokuto looked up at him. Kuroo had a small smile on his face as he ate, probably thinking about his paralegal. But all Bokuto could see was Kuroo’s face not 24 hours before, contorted in pleasure as Bokuto had him completely down his throat, his nose buried in the skin and hair above Kuroo's dick.

“That's nice,” Bokuto said again.

“Yeah,” Kuroo nodded. “I was thinking if things go well I'd invite her to Shou's 2nd birthday party. I know that's a little bit away but I was just thinking about it. You know, like, so you can met her and stuff. And for her to meet Shou of course.” As if on cue, Shouyou babbled cutely and Kuroo turned his attention down to his son.

Bokuto was grateful for the distraction so Kuroo couldn't see the complete and utter heartbreak on his face. He hadn't realized he dropped his fork until he heard the metal clatter on his plate.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo asked looking up at him. Bokuto stood up from his chair suddenly. “Are you ok? What's wrong?”

“I…” he began at a loss for words. “I have to go.”

“What—”

“I-I have to go,” Bokuto said walking away from the table. He could hear Shouyou calling out after him and Kuroo's confused questioning but he didn't turn around. Slipping on his shoes as fast as he could Bokuto ran out of the apartment.

* * *

 

“I wish I could have spared you this,” Akaashi said handing Bokuto a mug of tea. “I wish I could have told you this was going to happen.”

“It's fine,” Bokuto sniffled taking the mug in his hands.

“Did he even realize what made you upset?” Akaashi asked sitting down next to Bokuto.

“Probably not,” Bokuto said miserably.

“You should tell him.”

“Why?” Bokuto said bitterly. “He has his paralegal now. I'm just thrown by the wayside. I'm not important.”

“Don't say that, you're very important to him,” Akaashi said rubbing his back comfortingly.

“Apparently not enough,” Bokuto sobbed. “I don't matter. I'm not good enough. No matter what I do for him I'm not good enough.”

“You're more than good enough,” Akaashi comforted.

“I wasn't for you.”

“That's not fair,” Akaashi said hurt. “We were completely different.”

“I know, I'm sorry,” Bokuto apologized. “I just feel so...so...so used.”

“I'm so sorry you feel that way,” Akaashi said softly. “But I still think you should tell him.”

“Don't you see? It doesn't matter,” Bokuto cried, almost dropping his mug. “He will never feel the same about me! I'm in love with him. And we've been…it's like I get to pretend that we're…but we're not. No matter how many times we sleep together or have sex it doesn't matter because I don't matter.”

“That's not true,” Akaashi shook his head. “You matter probably more than you realize. He just doesn't know.”

“How could he not know?” Bokuto wept. “He's…He's everything I do. I love him.”

“Then you need to tell him.”

* * *

 

It took Bokuto a whole 3 hours to work up the courage to go back to their apartment, and another 2 just taking his time getting there. He almost turned around at least a dozen times but Akaashi's words kept him from turning around completely. Still, as he walked into his apartment well past midnight, he had a fleeting thought to just turn and run away. But he ignored it and pushed on.

The apartment was dark and cool, just as he had expected it to be. All the lights were off and the dishes were done and drying neatly stacked on the rack just like normal. Everything was as Bokuto had expected. Except one thing: Kuroo sitting on the couch, worriedly staring at his phone.

When Kuroo heard the sounds of Bokuto walking into the apartment he immediately looked up at him. Bokuto quietly closed the door behind him and started to take off his shoes when Kuroo came almost running towards him.

“Dude what the fuck?” Kuroo said rushing over to him. “You just disappeared!? I tried calling you but you didn't answer and I got really worried! What the fuck man? You just ran off so randomly, and then you were gone for hours! What the hell!?”

“Sorry,” Bokuto said bitterly, pushing his way past Kuroo, and walking towards the kitchen. “I didn't mean to _worry_ you.”

“Well you did!” Kuroo cried. “I was really fucking worried. And Shouyou started crying and he was asking for you for like two hours and I didn't know where you were, or when you were coming back.”

“Sorry I caused you so much pain and stress,” Bokuto said sarcastically, as he opened the fridge.

“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Kuroo said growing more annoyed by the second.

“Why are you even awake?” Bokuto asked slamming the refrigerator door closed and turning to Kuroo. “What, didn't have someone to crawl into bed with? Damn, where's that paralegal when you need her.”

“What are you saying?” Kuroo asked shaking his head.

“Why do you even care where I was?”Bokuto bit out coldly. “What does it matter to you?”

“What does it— of course it matters to me, you matter to me!” Kuroo practically shouted.

“You don't understand,” Bokuto said coldly, looking away.

“Then make me understand!” Kuroo shouted, grabbing Bokuto's shoulders.

“I'm in love with you!” Bokuto yelled at him. There was a long silence and Bokuto could feel himself building up to yell more despite Kuroo's unresponsive state. “I've been in love with you for so long and you've had no idea! Years, Kuroo. I've loved you for years. And you couldn't have cared less. And you must have known, you must have. There's no way you didn't know.”

“I...I…” Kuroo began.

“Look, just forget it ok,” Bokuto said taking a step back. “I'm going to clear out my stuff in the morning.”

“Bo-Bokuto,” Kuroo stuttered.

“I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Bokuto said with a certain coldness. “But I can't do this anymore. I hope you and Shouyou are very happy.”

With that he walked away, going into his bedroom. As soon as he closed the door behind him, he slid down against it and began to cry. He cried for so long his face hurt and his head was sore. Eventually he pulled off his clothes and crawled into bed, trying not to think about how this was probably the last time he was going to be sleeping in that bed and that room.

He honestly didn't expect to hear the door open to his room about an hour later. Bokuto thought that their fight was sufficient enough to squash that. But as Kuroo slowly and quietly walked into his room, he must have been mistaken.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo whispered. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah,” Bokuto hummed sitting up in bed.

“I'm…” Kuroo looked down at his hand that we're playing with the hem of his shirt nervously. “I'm sorry.”

“For?” Bokuto asked, crossing his arms.

“Everything, for being an asshole, for treating you poorly, for stringing you along, for all those things. I'm sorry.”

“Look Kuroo—”

“I know that I've been all over the place,” Kuroo continued. “But I've been really trying to hold myself together. And you…” He looked up and Bokuto could see he was crying. “You were the only really constant in my life and I didn't want you to leave.”

“But Kuroo don't you understand what you did to me?” Bokuto said feeling heartbroken. “With you coming in here every night, sleeping with me, kissing me, doing all the things I never thought I was going to be able to do with you, I was miserable.”

“I'm sorry,” Kuroo sobbed.

“Couldn't you see that I was in pain?” Bokuto asked feeling a bit frantic. “That I was breaking, and that I was barely holding it together myself. Kuroo, I'm in love with you. So much in fact, that I was willing to go on pretending like nothing was wrong just so I could have you just a bit longer. But I can't be some secret you come home to. You can't have both. You can't have some pretty paralegal to flaunt on your arm and then come home to me and keep me a secret in the dark. I just, I can't do that anymore.”

“I understand,” Kuroo nodded weakly.

“Good,” Bokuto sighed. “I'm glad you—”

“Then I choose you.”

Bokuto wasn't sure if he had heard correctly. But the look of determination on Kuroo's face only added to the evidence that he did.

“I don't want some pretty paralegal or some pretty anything else but you,” Kuroo said seriously.

“Kuroo, what you—”

“I can't imagine my life without you. You're really my everything. You have done more for me than anyone else I've ever known. And I'd be crazy to throw that away. And I think…” He trailed off looking down at his hand still playing with the hem of his shirt. “I think I'm falling in love with you.”

“Wha-what?” Bokuto whispered. “You can't be serious.”

“I am,” Kuroo said. “I don't know when or how, but all I know is when you ran out I racked my brain trying to figure everything out and only conclusion that I could could up with was that I was in love with you.”

“But—but you're straight,” Bokuto said feeling lightheaded.

“Apparently not,” Kuroo said with a watery smile.

“But I don't understand,” Bokuto said. Kuroo took a tentative step towards the bed.

“I love you,” Kuroo said kneeling on the bed. “It just took me a while to see it.”

“But—”

“Kotaro,” Kuroo said so softly and tenderly that Bokuto thought he was going to melt right then and there. “Please believe me. I love you. I'm in love with you. And I never want to hurt you again.”

“I…” Kuroo started crawling towards him and Bokuto didn't know what to do. “I love you.”

“I know,” Kuroo said coming up to lay next to him.  

“I have for so long,” he whispered, moving down to lay down on the bed. Kuroo wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close to his chest. “But I never thought you'd love me back.”

“How could I not?” Kuroo said softly, holding him tight to his chest.

* * *

 

It took months for Bokuto to realize that Kuroo's intentions were for them to actually be together as a real couple. At first he had no idea what they were, or more truthfully, what Kutoo thought they were. Bokuto was ready to continue their more secretive relationship that only existed in their apartment.

But it seemed that Kuroo was determined to try to make them “real” in some way or another. From holding his hand while they shopped, to kissing him when dropped him off at work, Kuroo was clearly serious about them being together. The only problem was that Bokuto wasn't.

Not that Bokuto didn't want to be with him, he just wasn't sure if Kuroo really understood what it meant for him. And though he loved when Kuroo would wrap his arm around his waist while they waited on line at the supermarket, or how when he would get exasperated he would just huff a small “babe” at him, and how they no longer pretended they weren't very obviously sleeping together; he couldn't help but feel like it was still a very delicate dance. Bokuto felt like he was walking on eggshells even more than when he was hiding his feelings for Kuroo. And because of that, he could feel himself withdrawing from Kuroo.

It was subtle at first, neglecting a text here, sometimes a quiet dinner there. But soon Bokuto felt himself rapidly withdrawing, and he didn't know how to stop himself. Months into the relationship Bokuto had wanted for years, and he couldn't have been more miserable if he tried.

“Babe, what's wrong?” Kuroo asked, sitting down in the edge of their bed.

“Nothing's wrong,” Bokuto said quietly as he changed out of his clothes.

“Something is,” Kuroo said. “You've barely spoken to me all night. Did...did I do something wrong?”

“No,” Bokuto sighed. He pulled on a clean Tshirt and threw his dirty clothes into the hamper.

“Then why aren't you talking to me anymore?” Kuroo asked sounding a bit hurt. “I feel like we talked more before we were together.”

“Tetsuro, how long are we going to keep doing this?” Bokuto asked turning around.

“Doing what?” Kuroo asked looking at him confused.

“This,” Bokuto gestured between them. “This...whatever this is. This “us” thing. How long do we keep this up for?”

“I don't understand,” Kuroo said thickly.

“Come on, you're much smarter than me so I know you that you know what I'm getting at here,” Bokuto sighed frustratingly.

“What “us” thing? Our relationship?” Kuroo asked, his voice brittle and small.

“If that's what you want to call it,” Bokuto shrugged. It hurt him to say it but he didn't want to let on how much this relationship meant to him. He wouldn't let Kuroo hurt him anymore; Bokuto just couldn't take the stress of wondering when this was all going come crashing down around him. But he was going to get ahead of it.

“What else should I call it?” Kuroo asked hurt. “You're...you're my boyfriend. I'm yours. We're…we're in a relationship.”

“Are we?” Bokuto said sarcastically, looking away.

“Why are you doing this?” Kuroo whispered. “I don't understand.”

“Because I'm tired, Kuroo,” Bokuto sighed. “I'm tired of waiting for you to come to your senses. I'm tired of pretending like this relationship is going anywhere. I'm tired of waking up each day wondering if this is the day that you're gonna realize that this isn't what you wanted. I'm just _tired_.”

“Is that really how you think of me?” Kuroo low and taut. “That I'm just gonna grow bored of you, toss you aside? Realize this whole gay thing really isn't for me?”

“Pretty much,” Bokuto said pointedly.

“Fuck you,” Kuroo bit out. Bokuto just shrugged like he didn't care. “Fuck you for diminishing the value of my feelings because you're insecure.”

“I'm not insecure,” Bokuto lied. “I just understand that we have an expiration date.”

“Why would you say that?” Kuroo gasped standing up from the bed.

“Because it's true,” Bokuto stressed. “And I'm tired of pretending we don't. It's time to stop ignoring the obvious.”

“Fine,” Kuroo said thickly. He walked past Bokuto and went for the door to their bedroom. “I'll see you in the morning goodnight,” he said tightly, slamming the door behind him.

Bokuto winced at the bang, the sound reverberating in his ears. Fighting with Kuroo was the last thing he wanted to do but he felt that it was the only way to end things quickly.

He barely got any sleep that night. Dreading the next morning, Bokuto stayed in his room until his grumbling stomach forced him out and into the kitchen.

Stepping out of his room, Bokuto carefully made him way down the hallway, trying to see where Kuroo was before he saw him. As he walked into the kitchen, he immediately made eye contact with Kuroo who was sitting at their table feeding Shouyou his breakfast. It only lasted a second before Bokuto looked away, making a beeline for the fridge but it was too late. His stomach was in knots and he felt the hot burn of uncomfortableness rush down his body.

“Da! Da!” Shouyou said happily behind him, tapping his bowl on the tray of his high chair.

“Yeah Shou, I'm right here,” Kuroo said trying to get his son's attention. “Please eat a bit more.”

“No! _Da_ ,” Shouyou said again, with as much emphasis a toddler could muster. “ _Da_ !” Bokuto pulled the milk out of the fridge and walked over to grab the cereal and a bowl when he heard Shouyou speak again with strained frustration. “ _DA_!”

“Kotaro, I think he means you,” Kuroo said quietly, with a slight sense of awe in his voice.

“What,” Bokuto breathed turning around to look at Shouyou. The toddler's face and bright hair had bits and pieces of the fruit and cereal he had been eating all over, but he couldn't have been smiling bigger if he tried.

“Da,” Shouyou giggled sticking his hand out towards Bokuto. Dazed, Bokuto took the few steps towards him, taking his tiny hand in his. “Dad,” Shouyou smiled, shaking his arm in Bokuto's hand.

“...Dad?” Bokuto repeated in awe.

“Dad,” Shouyou grinned. Looking at Shouyou's sunny, shining face he couldn't remember what he was so upset about. How could ever want to jeopardise his relationship when that meant he could lose Shouyou? He was, for all intents and purposes his son, and this sealed it.

“Oh Shou,” Bokuto said kneeling down by the high chair. “I love you so much Shou, you have no idea.” He brushed his fingers through his giggly son’s hair, feeling his eyes start to well up with tears.

“Kotaro,” Kuroo said softly. Bokuto looked up at him and he could see that Kuroo needed to talk.

“Just give me a second,” Bokuto said looking back at Shouyou who was babbling incoherently. He pressed a kiss to his forehead before he stood up. “Ok.”

“Let me put Shouyou down,” Kuroo said pulling him out of his high chair. He got up and walked him over to his playpen in their living room. Bokuto sat down at the table and waited for Kuroo to come back. “Right…” Kuroo said as he sat down. “We need to talk.”

Bokuto had known this was coming but it didn't make it any less painful. He knew that his outburst the night before wasn't not going to have consequences. But things suddenly felt different after what happened with Shouyou.

“I know,” Bokuto nodded.

“First I just want to say that I spent all of last night thinking about what you were saying,” Kuroo said looking down at his folded hand on the table. Bokuto felt his heart crawling up into his throat. “And I think you're right.”

“I understand,” Bokuto said thickly, not expecting Kuroo to come to that conclusion so soon.

“We can't really call what we have a relationship. A real relationship involves communication and trust, which obviously we have zero of,” Kuroo pointed out. “So this “us” thing, like you put it, hasn't really been working out.”

“Right,” Bokuto nodded, his voice tight. “I'm… I knew that we were headed towards a fiery end.”

“If that's what you want,” Kuroo shrugged.

“What do you mean?” Bokuto asked confused.

“Well, like I said I spent a long time thinking about what you said,” Kuroo continued. “Like the whole me coming to my senses thing and realizing this whole gay thing was going to grow old and I was going to grow bored of the relationship. That we have an expiration date.”

“Right…”Bokuto said thickly.

“And what I realized,” Kuroo said taking a deep breath. “Was that _you_ don't want to be in a relationship with me.”

Bokuto felt dumbstruck. He hadn't seen that coming at all, and he was expecting Kuroo to say that he helped him realize that he was right and that they shouldn't be together because he doesn't love him. Not that Bokuto didn't want this.

“You were clearly trying to get me to break up with you because you couldn't do it yourself,” Kuroo said, his voice strangled and low. “Which made me reevaluate our entire relationship— or what I thought was a relationship. And you…you haven't wanted this. At all. And I pushed you into a relationship. You've made that clear now. For the past few months you've been distant and quiet, and I didn't realize it was because you didn't actually want me. I'm…I'm sorry I did this to you. I just wish that you had told me before it felt really real to me. Because it did. It was real to me.”

On that note, Kuroo got up from the table and walked into the living room leaving Bokuto to sit at the table with Kuroo's words still buzzing around in his ears.

_It was real to me_.

Bokuto couldn't accept that as true. In no way did it compute with the model of Kuroo in his head. After all the going over in his mind of the months of them “getting together” not once did Bokuto think that Kuroo thought of it as a real, actual relationship that they could work on and keep for the foreseeable future. He always operated under the assumption that one day everything was going to come crashing down around him, and he was going to have to move on from Kuroo and Shouyou. But he never expected it quite like this.

_It was real to me_

It pains Bokuto to admit, but it took him at least a full five minutes before he came to any conclusion. By that point Kuroo had gone into his bedroom, presumably to get ready for work. Not thinking about anything else, Bokuto ran towards Kuroo. He opened the door and saw Kuroo angrily wiping a tear that was rolling down his face.

“Tetsuro,” Bokuto breathed like he'd been running.

“What?” Kuroo asked slightly hostile.

“You're wrong,” Bokuto said stepping in and closing the door behind him.

“Oh great, thanks for coming in here to make me feel worse,” Kuroo said sarcastically. “I really needed that right now.”

“No, I meant, you're wrong about me,” Bokuto tried to say quickly.

“Why? Did you need to add more to the horrible list of things about me that you apparently keep?” Kuroo sniffled, rubbing his eyes free of tears. “What is it this time? That I'm a bad parent? That I'm horrible in bed? What else are you going to tell me to try to make me feel worse?”

“It's none of that,” Bokuto shook his head, taking a step forward. “I'm in love with you.” Kuroo looked up at looked at him skeptically. “It's true I am. I think I always have been too. And the reason I said all those things was because I was so afraid they were true, and I couldn't let you tell them to me first.”

“You really think I'm going to get bored of “playing gay” and leave you?” Kuroo asked. “You think that I'm just pretending to be with you? Why...why would I do that? I mean, I wish I was pretending, it would make this all hurt a lot less. But unfortunately I'm not pretending. Not one bit. I'm legitimately in love with you. But I see now that it doesn't matter to you. You won't believe me anyway.”

“But how can you be?” Bokuto asked. “How can you go from exclusively having girlfriends to me? How am I supposed to be believe you love me if I had no idea that you had any intention on being with me until a few months ago?”

“Because God forbid I fall in love right?” Kuroo said angrily.

“With me!? How!?” Bokuto cried.

“Because I did!” Kuroo shouted. “I just did! I don't know how, but I did. You're everything to me and I don't know why you won't see that? Why are you so determined to send me away?”

“Because I didn't want to have to go through you leaving me,” Bokuto said softly.

“I was never going to leave you,” Kuroo whispered.

“You can't know that,” Bokuto shrugged, holding himself together as best he could.

“I do,” Kuroo nodded. “Kotaro, I'm not pretending anything. I'm not faking being with you just so— I don't even know the reason why I would do that. You were my boyfriend and I thought we were together and I loved you but then you're the one who pulled away from me. Which caused me real pain. You were the one I really loved and you were being a dick about it.”

“Past tense?” Bokuto asked softly. He looked at Kuroo carefully, moving ever so slightly closer to him.

“Yeah,” Kuroo nodded. “And present tense. I loved and love you.”

“Ok,” Bokuto breathed, putting his hand on the back of Kuroo's neck and bringing their heads together. He felt Kuroo slide his hands around his waist as he settled his other hand on the small of Kuroo's back. “Can we try again?”

“Of course,” Kuroo whispered. “But you have to talk to me. You can't close up again.”

“Ok I promise.”

* * *

 

Bokuto found it surprising how easy it was to fall into their “new” relationship. Now that Bokuto felt a thousand times more secure in them, he found that dating Kuroo was actually amazing.

Bokuto and Kuroo instantly became inseparable. They did everything as a proper couple. But even more, they did things as a family. Their tiny little family of two dads and tiny baby Shouyou could all be seen going together to the weekend market, on trips to the zoo, and sometimes eating at their restaurant. They finally were—

 

“No, no, no. Wait a second. I'm confused,” Oikawa said stopping Kuroo mid sentence. Bokuto looked across the dining table they were all sitting at, to Oikawa who was looking completely  perplexed. “Either I missed something, or you're not giving me the full story.”

“Why are you confused?” Bokuto from across the table.

“Because I'm missing information,” Oikawa said furrowing his eyebrows at the couple sitting across from him.

“I think we've told you everything,” Bokuto said looking at Kuroo for confirmation. “Right?”

“I thought so,” Kuroo shrugged.

“I think Oikawa means the restaurant,” Iwaizumi said from next to Oikawa who nodded at him. “Yeah he means the restaurant. He's confused about how you suddenly own the restaurant in this part of the story, because you haven't explained how you came to own it yet.”

“Yeah, that's what I'm confused about about,” Oikawa said agreeing with his husband. “Amongst other things.”

“But you didn't ask us about how we came to own the restaurant,” Bokuto said tilting his head to the side.

“You asked us about how we get to together,” Kuroo said sliding his arm behind his husbands shoulder.

“Oh, I thought that would also be explained in that story,” Oikawa frowned.

“No, if you guys want to hear about the restaurant that's like a whole nother story that's just as long and complicated,” Bokuto said.

“Is there like a readers digest version?” Iwaizumi asked glancing at Oikawa's pout.

Bokuto and Kuroo looked at each other and unison looked back their two friends and said, “we bought it.”

“That was simple enough,” Oikawa nodded with a shrug. “Ok sorry, you can continue with your story from before. You guys were in love, cute trips, Shou is small yada yada yada.”

“Well, that's actually pretty much it,” Kuroo shrugged.

“So it was just happily ever after from there on out?” Iwaizumi smirked looking between them.

“Ok well not _exactly_ but kind of, yeah,” Kuroo smiled.

“I mean we had our issues, who doesn't,” Bokuto said. He turned his head and looked up at his husband of 9 years and partner of 20 years. Kuroo hadn't changed much from when they first met. Naturally he looked much older, now in his mid forties, with a spattering of silver hair mixed in his still wildly untamed bed hair. He had the beginnings of crow's feet on his eyes and he now needed glasses to read menus which he kept hooked on the collar of his shirt. Kuroo was so much older now and Bokuto was still just as in love with him. “And we're married now, so there's that.”

“True,” Oikawa nodded with a smile, looking over at his own husband. Iwaizumi gave him a small, but warm smile back.

“So now you guys know the story,” Kuroo sighed looking between Oikawa and Iwaizumi across the table from them on the far side of the dining hall on the cruise they were all on together. “Granted it's not very glamorous or romantic as your story is.”

“Are you kidding?” Oikawa laughed. “Yours is like dramatic period piece kind of story and ours like a predictable chick flick.”

“Thanks honey,” Iwaizumi said sarcastically.

“I didn't mean like I don't like our story,” Oikawa reassured. “Just that theirs is so tumultuous.”

“Too much so,” Kuroo exhaled. “In fact, I think I need a drink. All this reminiscing about all my mistakes is really getting to me,” he said gesturing for the waitress to come over.

“Not all mistakes I hope?” Bokuto said quietly to Kuroo.

“Not you,” Kuroo smiled. “Not even close.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it!!! sorry about all the angst, if it's any consolation i cried like 7 times writing this and then another 4 times editing it.


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